Through all this Joy was beginning to talk about Jesus. She'd ask me to listen to tapes of preachers. She ask if she could pray for me. I would always feel embarrassed and decline even though this was a very dark period of my life. But a little at a time my defenses were beginning to break down.

     She asked me to go with her to this Church that was mostly young people. I was really shocked. I had read about “Jesus Freaks” in CA and a movement moving across the country. But all these kids into this Jesus thing was way outside of my personal experience. The kids I had known in my previous church experience pretty much went through the motions of religion because it was required of them. I suppose they believed after a fashion, as did I, but it was a Sunday requisite not a deep daily experience. Seeing all these kids laughing and weeping and praying for each other was blowing my mind. They lifted their hands and shouted praises.

     It actually kind of turned me off as opposed to turning me on. I thought it was a lot of theatrical nonsense, I thought, that's not how you act in church. I was brought up that being in the chapel was all about quiet reverence. Although their meeting place was very rustic it was, after all, their chapel,,, sorta. Little did I know.

     One night I had been to see S at the motel were she was staying. It was about a mile or two from were I lived and I had walked there.

     By now, if I was honest with myself, I knew her character. And as I said earlier, I'd even caught her with another guy at the motel. I don't remember what transpired between her and I that night but I do remember the walk home. It was after dark. But there was a darkness that ran much deeper than the darkness of the night. It was a tangible evil thing. It gripped me and filled me with fear. As I quickened my pace I reasoned, if anything can be this dark then there must also be an antithesis.

     I got home and turned on the lights. The visible darkness was dispelled but the inner darkness remained.

     Based on my reasoning I hit my knees with the only thing I could think of that could be in opposition with the inner darkness that didn't go away with lamps. I prayed. I have no recollection of what I said. I'm sure it was awkward and not very eloquent. In that moment the darkness was lifted and I felt a sensation of light. I didn't really understand God's presence then but I began crying. God's presence does that to me a lot. This was my first dose of experiential faith.

     As for the saga of S... I was mortified and heartbroken. A little at a time we saw each other less frequently. I don't know what, if anything she ever really felt for me. I don't remember either of us formally ending it. It just gradually fizzled out with greater absences. The heart did not grow fonder. If felt its pain and prepared to move on.

     During this time my parents sold the house and moved to FL. I moved into an apartment just off Main St. in Manchester. S. came and spent the night with me once or twice while I was there. I have no idea why. It either didn't occur to me or didn't matter that she was probably sneaking out on someone else to be with me those nights.

     Eventually Joy had offered to rent me a room in her house. S came to visit me there. She met Joy and we all visited for a little bit but then Joy had to go out for an errand. When we were alone in the house S tried to seduce me. When I wasn't going for it she asked me whether my new faith meant we couldn't be together.

     I would like to say I declined as a matter of virtue. But I don't think that was really the case. On some level I'm sure I knew that it would have been morally wrong but I really wanted to be with her. But I also knew just in practical terms that it would not be good to let this happen.

     When Joy returned home we spoke to S about Jesus and prayed for her. She cried. When she left that evening she said, “You were smiling when I cried. Why did you do that?” I think she though it was a vengeful thing. I explained to her that she was crying because God was touching her. I was truly happy that she had been touched. I think we kissed and then she left. I never saw her again. Hopefully that touch from God was only the beginning.

     By the time I was boarding at Joy's I was full on seeking God. But this had not been an overnight experience. I would sometimes show up at her house after gigs and when I'd been drinking heavily. A couple of times I'd shown up after trying dope again. I'd be on the verge of panic and she'd sit with me while I waited out the high. I began accepting prayer and listening open mindedly.

     One night I was in her living room and we were listening to a man talking very matter-of-factly about the free gift of salvation. People talk about group dynamics and hypnotism sometimes. This was so not the case. There was only two of us listening to a cassette tape. The speaker was not particularly dynamic. He did at one point speak in tongues and interpret. I didn't understand what that was yet.

     With in the context of the interpretation he said, “Look up. Look up. Your redemption draweth nigh.” I know now that those words come from Scripture.

     At that very moment I suddenly knew that I knew that I knew. I barely got the words out, “It's all true!,” when I began to weep from the depths of my being. My hands shot up spontaneously. Almost as if they had their own mind. And I worshiped God. Remember the guy who thought all this stuff was a lot of theatrical nonsense.

     My whole body turned electric and God enveloped me in this tremendous love unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I remembered opening my eyes briefly while this transpired and Joy's silly little dog was sitting up in front of me looking on curiously. The love I felt for this dopey little animal in that moment was staggering. It could only be an extension of what I was feeling from God.

     While my upbringing had certainly endowed me with a reasonable fear of hell it's important to understand that's not what brought me here. I sought God because I despaired of the life I had already lived. I was not after the by and by. I needed Him in the right now. AND HE SHOWED UP!

     This is what I consider my true conversion. While I had not yet received the “Baptism in the Holy Spirit” with the evidence of tongues I believe this was when the Holy Spirit took up residence in me. I still had a lot of changes that I would go through but something had changed that night. And that change would become a life long experience.

     If this was a movie, it would probably be time to play the music and roll the credits but life doesn't always work that way.

     My whole life has been plagued by bouts of extraordinary melancholia. While faith offered me a new hope, these bouts did not disappear. In the beginning I was so filled with joy that they were temporarily overshadowed. But they would return and eventually build to a point of huge consequence.

     In the first years of my faith I saw a fair amount of power manifest within our small home Bible study. These took place in Joy's home and Nancy and her family also took part. We saw strangers come and go and many were filled with the Holy Spirit. We saw broken bones that showed up on x ray one day and were gone the next and other healings. We saw words of knowledge and prophecy.

     One young woman was really funny. We were praying for her and she went off in tongues. She'd stop with a quizzical look and say, “who saying that?” We'd tell her it was her and she'd look kind of puzzled. We'd start praying again and within a few seconds she'd be off in tongues again. Then she stop and say, “Who is that?!” This happened a few times before she understood and believed what was happening.

     Another young woman who was a regular part of our group had been very frustrated and unsuccessful in seeking the baptism in the Holy Spirit. Bible studies often culminated in long sessions of prayer. During one of these I was prompted by the Holy Spirit and said to her, “The Lord says that you will receive the baptism in the Holy Spirit and you will speak in tongues tonight.” We went back to group prayer and in moments she had gone off in tongues.

     Spirits were cast out and bound which silenced voices in one girls head that were telling her she could never be saved. A normally very sweet girl, she began to push and swing at us when we began to pray for her. Incidentally, she had requested the prayer. She screamed foul epitaphs at us. Then her body relaxed and she said, “They're not there anymore.”

     The mother of one of the girls in our study came one time and sat in a chair and allowed us to pray for her. I don't even remember the reason. She was not a believer. Her body turned to jelly and she slid out of the chair on to the floor. From the floor she began sharing her life story, all her hurts and pain. Then she'd stop and growl, “Why am I telling you this. I don't even like you people!” And then she would continue pouring it out.

     That's just some of what I recall but these types of events where normal within out little group.

     Eventually four of us felt led to go to Indiana. I sold everything that I couldn't pack into a station wagon shared with another rider and her stuff. I was in Indiana for about 6 months in which time we held Bible studies and lived off the grace of God. We worked when we could find work but it was not easy to find. It was a very poor area.

     With people coming and going to discuss God you never knew who might have done what. We never took collections but we began finding $20 bills left on the top of the toilet. I began calling this the mouth of the fish.

     Within our group we talked Jesus day and night. God was a constant.

     Before I left we had baptized a small group of people. It was in Indiana in the winter and our baptismal was an out door pond. The water had to be 40 degrees but we boldly trudged in and had our baptism.

     Driving back home in soaked clothes I was shaking all over. Joy said, “I think brother Jared is still full of the Holy Spirit.”

     I said, “No, I'm freezing!”

     While God managed to do His work in spite of our shortfalls and in spite of me, it was during this time that my drinking escalated again and the depressions came back on with a passion. One night co workers were bringing me home from an outing and I was falling down drunk. I had them pull over in the middle of nowhere (there was a lot of nowhere in this part of Indiana) and I fell on my knees and started shouting at God.

      When my parents called me from Florida and said they needed me to come help them with their bookstore I was ready to leave. I no longer belonged there.